You're Dead To Me

Can you remember
How you use to jab your fingers into my chest
And tell me how stupid you thought I was
And how I'd grow up to be worthless-
I was only 9 and I can recall every single time-
You raised your hand to me
No matter how hard I try to forget
I can't erase it from my memory
To this day you seem to think that
You never did anything wrong
And even though I've tried
to look past your ignorance
The hate was too strong
And you were to blind to see
how much anger was growing inside of me
And everything revolved around you
Do what you say
Do what you want
Do as you do
As the years passed
I never knew what was to come
Cause you were never there
But the day will come
When we'll cross paths again
This time I'll be sure to let you know that
All I ever wanted was was for you to believe in me
And everyday I prayed for, lived the day for
Was a chance to throw it back in your face-
And before you die, open your eyes
And see, all the different ways that you neglected me
You may have gave me life but you never gave me hope
I don't ever want to take after my own Father
God help me raise up outta this mess
Stress and grey days and a gang full of tests
God help me, god help me
You put the fear in me and said
if I wasn't to be everything you expected
then a son I'm not in your eye's
and would be instantly rejected-
Your gifts of love were just fifths of pain
While I tried to maintain and refrain
You just laughed at me,
you looked down on me,
you threw down on me,
You made me feel worthless
now you're dead to me,
how does it feel to be,
What runs through you created me,
one day I'll break free-
All I ever wanted was for you to believe in me
And everyday I prayed for, lived the day for
Was a chance to throw it back in your face
Why do I have to feel like I'm constantly worthless
Every day I'm reminded of you, Father

Wonderful

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything

Masquerade

I wear my own masks.
I didn't cry until
you were out of the room.
It hurt enough without
having you see my tears.

Fuck you very much.

Addendum:
If I didn't love you so much,
it wouldn't get to me the way it does.

Losing My Voice

Just the words,
being thrown at me out of left field,
conjured up thoughts
trying to scream,
trying to say anything,
and failing.

You’re losing your voice.
she said to me,
and as I heard the words,
I could feel my face turning bright red.
I could feel the world narrowing around me,
and the tears building behind my eyes.

I’ve never claimed to be the best writer,
I’ve never even thought I’m all that good.
I just write what I can, when I feel it.

I’ve been going through alot lately, I know.
I’m doing everything I can just to stay above water,
and I know that my writing has suffered for it.
Life has been frustrating lately.
Life has been hard,
and what I can say on here
usually is the leftovers of all the stuff
that I can actually process,
after its been muddled
and stomped on
and left for waste.

And it’s really hard to write about that kind of stuff.
It’s really hard to write at all,
even though I’d scarcely call what I do writing.
More like …slamming your head on a keyboard and calling it ‘art’.
And I don’t even like that kind of art.
I can barely even write the date down right half of the time,
much less create a meaningful, “heart-wrenching” post.

This is going to be blunt…
Anytime anyone says that to me,
I know that I should just hold on tight until it’s all over.
I don’t do blunt. Because I’m so sensitive.
My dad used to tell me about when I was little,
I couldn’t have been older than a year and a half.
I was in the kitchen messing with pots and pans,
like I shouldn’t have been.
He yelled my name,
and not only did I put everything down immediately,
I started crying as if I’d actually been punished.
That’s just how I am.

I don’t even disagree with her, that much.
I guess I am just shocked.
I’m not angry, because she is right.
So this is not about her,
this isn’t about how her words
may or may not have hurt.
This is about me. She is right.

I am losing my voice. It’s hard not to.
Sometimes life tousles you around a little too much,
and we all reach our breaking point eventually.
Little sleep, bad days, frustrating life.
Would anybody else fare as well
against those adversaries?
Would their writing?

So, Yes. I’ve noticed.
Yes, I am aware.
But Yes, I am trying.
Though I might be nearing my breaking point,
though I might seem like I’m down for the count.
I am not. I have the spirit and heart of a runner,
I never give up.

Though my voice might be exhausted,
and diminished; It is not lost.
Not permanently, at least.
Just temporarily.

Cycles…like the Phoenix.
Your wings are spent now…
but your heart never changes.
From the ashes… you will rise…
Even bigger and better…

I always do, so don’t give up on me.

R.I.P.

"... and the punishment for murder is...
well, it varies from state to state and by race..."
- Homer Simpson

Don't worry, there has been no death of which I shall speak. Excepting, of course, the death of the joy of smoking a quality cigarette for smokers in most of the country. This map shows the states where R.I.P. (Reduced Ignition Propensity) cigarettes are currently required by state legislation, what states have passed such legislation, states where such legislation has been filed (and will most likely be passed), and states that have not filed for legislation. I know that was a long sentence, but bear with me.

Only two states have not yet filed for the legislation, but they will. Anyway, the deal with these cigarettes is that they are less-likely to remain lighted (yes, lighted, not lit) if left unattended, or say, if you fall asleep. They have two or three (depending on manufacturer) extra bands of less-porous paper to extinguish the flame, making them a bit safer, hopefully reducing the risk of home fires and whatnot. They've been dubbed "fire-safe cigarettes" by many, but the term is misleading. Don't go falling asleep with a lighted (er, lit... no yeah, lighted) R.I.P. cigarette with a clear conscience. Try to avoid that.

They've also been dubbed "shitty cigarettes" by even more. See, they suck. They burn differently- you get more runs in the paper, they often go out while you are actively smoking, and many can clearly distinguish the taste between an R.I.P. (or shitty) cigarette and a regular cigarette. Experts say their is no change in taste or performance, but experts are wrong. I've seen people identify R.I.P. cigarettes from regular cigarettes with 100% accuracy, within two or three puffs.

Here's my point. These cigarettes suck dick, and not in the good way. However, they kinda do suck in a good way, in that they may discourage people from smoking! How great would that be? How great would it be if these R.I.P. cigarettes, that burn shittier, don't stay lit (shit, lighted), and taste worse, started making people not want to smoke? How great would it be if when people heard the terms "RIP" and "cigarettes," they thought of how cigarettes suck, instead of how many people die because of them?

What's next? Are they going to add a sobering agent to the alcohol I drink so that by the time the party's over, I'm able to drive home. They are also raising the tax on cigarettes, maybe that's where they are getting the money for our stimulus package.

to the ends of the earth i'd follow, i'd cross every sea for you

I don't like to look at life beyond my hands
but it's often necessary to remain in check.
I think about what it might feel like to lose you.
Who would I spill my cares to?
Who would light me up after a bad day I've had?
The more I think, the harder it becomes to breathe.
And then I can't see clearly through mist soaked eyes.
I've learned that life can be beautiful in every moment,
regardless of circumstance, if you just look past emotion
and appreciate what it took to get there.
But I never want to know the feeling
of not having you to end my day.
The fear of facing it drives me to be
more present in the moments here with you now.